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| A Geeky Girl @ WEB2.0… | Cordelia = Charlotte in SATC? | ||
| Sunday, 22nd April, 2007 at 12:50 pm | |||
Femininity and Womanhood Today? | |||
As a modern career woman in a male-oriented field of work, I must ask myself: "Am I a really a real woman"? What in particular makes a me a woman, other than my female body?
Only way of telling? By Carl Larsson 1898
I rarely cook, I am taller than most men and I can put on a fairly tough exterior when it is needed. I have a leadership position at work and right now I have few female friends living nearby.
Lately I have become insecure about my femininity! It is hidden very deep inside of me right now. Sure, it shows on the outside - but sometimes I don’t even feel feminine any more. (Maybe I am becoming a female metrosexual.. ugh!)
And why has this happened?
It happens because I essentially live the life of a man!!!
I have neither husband nor children. A woman from a hundred years ago would think I was a complete freak!
Millions of modern women are in the same situation as me. And I am not so sure that all (or even most) of us actually want it!
I can do most things that a man can do; I am independent, competent and earn a high salary. All this might make me think: What do I need a man for?
Would she want to swap with me?
Yet; What do I crave more than anything? To be a real, old-fashioned woman. To have a man who cares for me and to have a home to manage (as opposed to managing stupid IT projects.)
I’d love to be in the kitchen, wearing an apron, preparing healthy and tasty food. I love to keep house and I love sewing. In fact, I enjoy it much more than my job in IT.
I love looking after children and I love to support and help the men that I know and care about. Whereas I rejoice in the career successes of some of my male friends and relations, I get very little satisfaction from my ‘high-powered’ job. Why is this?
I think it is because what I am doing is against nature!
Everything I wanted to prove to myself and others about my competence or career, I have already proven. And to be honest, I wasn’t that fussed to start with. I just needed the money and happened to like IT.
Carl Larsson’s wife & friends sewing.
Pls can I swap? U can have my Blackberry!
But now I need to prove that I can be a real woman! I don’t even know where to start! I spent most of my life trying to emulate men and male behaviour!
I am sick of being so independent, of often being cleverer than men who fancy me (which is a turn-off). I am sick of wearing the trousers, metaphorically and in practice.
I want to be the help-meet, not the leader. I want to be a keeper at home, not a bread-winner. I want to behave in a feminine way, not try to fake a male psyche and physique.
Is femininity dying? Will we end up a unisex race? Will womanhood turn into a pale copy of masculinity instead of remaining something special and unique?
When women try to compete with men they often end up being:
- Runners-up, not winners
- Unhappy and unfulfilled, rather than content and happy
- Poor copies of a male ideal rather than great in being what they were meant to be.
- Exhausted, angry and bitter.
Business class, smart hotel, whatever…
I’d prefer digging in the garden (if I had one)
Before any feminists reading this jump to their guns, please remember that I am a very successful professional woman living in the largest modern city in Europe. I have every right to hold this opinion, and it is based on personal experience of what I am rejecting. I am also not saying that any woman who really wants to be a career woman shouldn’t go for it… Just saying that many women find professional careers unfulfilling.
(I am not some pastor’s wife in the countryside, trying to defend my lifestyle and choices (not that there is anything whatsoever wrong with being a pastor’s wife in the countryside!))
I’d also like to mention that I am convinced that there are women who are better suited for a professional career than for marriage and motherhood. I have no issue with them whatsoever and I wish them all the best.
Important & relevant decisions
I believe that these women are in minority though, and that the rest of us are unfairly assumed to be made from the same stuff as these ’super women.’ In reality most of us are first and foremost women, with the career-identity as runner-up at best.
For thousands of years, a woman who was a great wife, household manager and mother was deemed a success. Today such a woman is written off as ‘just a housewife’ at best, or lazy and stupid at worst!
While I am dissatisfied with my career, my male collegues at the same level seem pleased to be where they are. I find that interesting.
My point is this: For an average woman, professional success does NOT yield happiness or contentedness. Marriage and motherhood usually does though, for a majority of women who try it. Many marriages fail because the woman is spending 50-75% of her energy outside of the relationship. Yes - I know that the situation is different with men. But they aren’t changing much to accomodate. Trying to get them to do so by means of nagging is a good way to alienate them in a marriage.
I am sick of emulating male behaviour. I never want to wear a trouser-suit again (I switched to skirt-suits) and flying business class with a laptop on my knees just feels meaningless. The liberation of women is, to a large extent, a hoax.
Before you say that a woman should be able to have both career and a successful marriage and household; just think about it. What you get from a "having both" scenario is mainly an awful lot of stress!
Plenty of money, no time at all…
Keep on smiling….
Instead of doing one thing well, you end up doing two things half-heartedly. You are not going to be able to spend the time on your marriage and your home that they both need in order to stay in a really good shape. Neither are you going to be able to give anywhere near 100% at work, meaning that your career will never be quite what it could have been!
I won’t even mention how badly your looks will suffer from being constantly sleep-deprived, stressed and short of time for even the most basic body/beauty care. Even if you don’t care about that yourself, don’t forget that guys do! I actually stopped having manicures a year ago because I felt it took up too much of my time. Right now my nails are plain Jane and break very easily…
And what about intimacy in your marriage? You’d be too exhausted six evenings out of seven to enjoy anything other than ‘laying back and thinking of England’, if even that. Based on some limited personal experience, I’m guessing this must be a real problem for a lot of people.
And what is the average guy likely to do when repeatedly turned down for sex? Answer; Hurt, frustrated and confused (but probably unlikely to want to ‘talk about it’), he might for exampe log on to some sites that we’d really rather he didn’t visit!
What else might happen depends of the personalities and personal morality of the people involved, I guess. But at this point it is possible that a vicious circle has appeared in the marriage. A vicious circle leading onto a slippery slope…
Tired and headache…Leave me alone..Thinking:
I do everything around here..and earn the same!
So how exactly is this new predicament "liberation" for women?
Being female today offers the "liberation" of allowing us to get stressed to pieces from trying to be successful, happily married, keep a magazine-like home and looking like a moviestar, all at the same time…
But what normally seems to happen is that marriages and possibly even motherhood fail for us. More than half of all marriages I believe. And marriage and motherhood simply must rate higher than career on the cosmic scale of importance, right? At least it seems to me that it should do…!
“Must clean the bathroom.. iron our
work-clothes.. weekly shopping…”
We are "liberated" to work professionally, but without being able to compete with the men on equal terms - at least if you are married or in a serious relationship. I won’t get started on the ‘glass-ceiling’. But as somebody quite close to it, I am certain that it is there.
I also know that very few women are able to break the glass ceiling despite being extremely competent and good at what they do. Looking at those women who do break through it… Well, all I can say is that it really doesn’t seem worth it to me… Personally I don’t think I’ve got what it takes. But even if I did, it doesn’t seem worth it. The women who succeed are actually usually not very nice - probably due to having had to become a bitch to make it… I know what drove them to do it, and their achievement is impressive.. But I have yet to meet one such woman that I actually like.
A large number of women (including me) are seriously under the weather for 4-8 days a month. Competing with the guys during these days is particularly hard. During these days, my being a woman is constantly on my mind in a way that it normally isn’t. The problem can be solved for most women with an un-holy concoction of painkillers, hormone pills and a few other drugs. But all it actually needs is a slow day at home!
Lynette in Desperate Housewives. Looking
worn due to her unreasonable schedule.
Another problem is that the more time I spend emulating male behaviour at work, the less feminine (and more masculine) I become. I have learnt military leadership techniques for goodness sake! I can push my guys as if I was a drill sergeant… And every time I do, it kills of another bit of my female soul.…
All my feminine qualities are undesirable at work. Being caring, giggly, pretty, emotional etc, etc are all negative things to a greater or lesser extent. In my reviews at work I have had negative feedback involving all of these qualities, believe it or not.
Technorati Tags: women”,woman,housewife,womanhood, conservative, traditional
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I think that modern life demands we not live as our parents or grand parents lived. I do think this is unfortunate for i believe in traditional ways of life.
Now Having said that I also agree its not for everyone. I do think we should have a choice. IF as a woman you want to pursue a career, go for it. If you want to have a family after the University then Go for it. Either should not be viewed in a bad light. Here in American its viewed poorly if a woman does not have a career. TV and culture portrays these women as poor dump pastor’s wives who are nothing more then bare foot and pregnant slaves for a man. (stole that from you Cordeilia)
Funny though that many well off successful women who have made are now finding more satisfaction in a traditional role.
I think that women and men should not stigmatize any women who decides on either. Child rearing takes energy, brains and nurturing. Thats what is wrong with the feminists…they have abandoned everyone who does not agree with them.
Viking women in the past held considerable wealth and managed the cash box, farm and thralls when her husband was away which was every summer. She was also incharge of everything that would go on in the home. This was no small feat. Plus she had to put up with us men!
Society demands we leave the home and earn a living. Its expensive today. Taxes, cars, Homes and property, it all takes alot of capital.
So in short I think a women should be able to do either as she wishes and succeed at both according to her skills.
To me, a man or woman are the same. We are all humans, so the major dissection into who should/ can do what isn’t realistic. Why don’t all of us just be ourselves? That would be most important.
Cordelia,
I agree with you on this. I see so many women at my work who are unhappy with thier situations at home and at work. One or the other (often both) suffer from neglect, etc. Women, I believe, are not really designed for the rough-and-tumble business world. Their personalities often cannot bear it out. If married and working and having kids, they stress so much that they make themselves prematurely old. It is interesting to note that a larger number of women are eschewing the workforce to stay home and raise children. I just hope that whatever path a woman chooses that she not lose her femininity and that she can be happy.
I relate to much of this as I chose to give up contemporary expectations to instead live simply and meaningfully. The beauty is that one can do this whether they are single or married. However, I can’t wait to find my man! Here’s a post of mine that is somewhat related: http://isledance.blogspot.com/2007/03/girly-strength.html
I highly recommend incorporating everything you love and want into your daily life now - if only in little bits. Soon, you will see your life transitioning into what you want it to be. You are not alone!
Cordelia,
I found your webpage after reading your comments on the ‘Grumpy Old Viking’ blog. I must say that I’m impressed; here’s a woman who GETS it! I’ll try to give you a couple of pointers that’ll perhaps help you rediscover your femininity; after all, masculinity has been under assault too, and us men are in the same boat as you. I’ll share with you what has worked for me…
One, do NOT beat yourself up! Don’t be too hard on yourself for losing your femininity; rather, thank God you have the wisdom & self-awareness to KNOW that this is happening! >=90% of the people out there have no clue as to WHY they’re miserable; all they know is that they are. You know the problem, so this puts you ahead of the game.
Two, listen to what your instincts tell you; God put them there for a REASON. Listen to your ‘little voice’ is telling you; it’ll never mislead you, provided you know how to listen to it. It’s telling you that you’re losing touch with who you are, and to be careful.
Three, remember that there is an agenda being force-fed to us; a common method for this is TV & movies. Try to avoid any new TV shows or movies, as they are pushing the feminist, PC agenda; they’re pushing the ‘androgynous utopia’. If you carefully look at any TV show or movie less than 20-30 years old, you’ll see what I’m talking about…
As I said, you’re not alone. Not only do women have the problem of losing touch with themselves, i.e. losing their femininity; men have had their masculinity taken from them, and many of my brothers do not know what it means to be a man. So, what have I done to COMBAT this?
I watch old movies for one. In the older movies, masculinity & femininity are CLEARLY defined & illustrated. Watching them has helped me. Some of my favorites are: 1) Sands of Iwo Jima, with John Wayne, a MAN’S man; 2) Strategic Air Command, with Jimmy Stewart & June Allyson; 3) Operation Pacific, another John Wayne film; 4) Bridges at Toko-Ri, with William Holden & Grace Kelly; 5) In Harm’s Way, yet another John Wayne film; 6) Twelve O’clock High with Gregory Peck; 7) The Enemy Below, with Robert Mitchum & Kurt Jurgens;
The Cockleshell Heroes, with Jose Ferrer & Trevor Howard; 9) Flying Tigers, starring John Wayne; and 10) Von Ryan’s Express, with Frank Sinatra & Trevor Howard. I found that these films had the very BEST of men, manhood, and masculinity; hence, they were good tools with which to discover who I am.
Being a woman, you’d no doubt find these films useful too, as they’d show you what an OLD FASHIONED man is like! If you’re seeking to learn more about femininity and how men & women used to relate to one another, then I’d have to say that “Sands of Iwo Jima”, “The Bridges at Toko-Ri, and “Strategic Air Command” would be your best bets. The other films (with the exception of “The Cockleshell Heroes” & “The Enemy Below”) have female characters and relationships in them too, but they are, at best, tangential; they’re not a MAIN part of the story. The three films I mentioned above would be GREAT for you to see how men & women related to one another; they’d also give you a good look at how an OLD FASHIONED woman acted. Here’s another shocker-men & women actually LIKED & ENJOYED each other-gasp! I know that this is hard to believe, but it’s true. The men were gentlemen, and the women were ladies.
You could also start by reading old books; perhaps some of the classics would be a good for you?
It’s getting late, so I must sign off. The tips I have given you are NOT all encompassing; if anything, they’re a starting point that’ll have you headed in the right direction. I’ve been in your shoes, and I know how it is to try to be something you’re not; men have had the same problem as women these last few decades. The preceding tips have worked for me, and I think that they’ll help you too. These are tips that help me. Please rejoice in the fact that you are AWARE of your problem; most folks aren’t, and their lives will tank eventually. Yours won’t, because you’re aware of the problem, and I can sense an intense desire to deal with it. Whatever you have to do, get the films I mentioned; watch them carefully, and watch them more than once. When you do this, you’ll be on your way! I wish you well, Viking Princess…
MarkyMark
Hi Cordelia
Nice Blog and you come a cross as a very genuine person. The way that you make the decisions about the balance between career and making a successful family are probably the most difficult that any of us have to consider.
I like to think that we essentially have to decide whether we are living to work or working to live.
But it seems to me that you are at least in the sort of industry where you could possibly re shape the architecture of your work so that you can continue to work from home and E-commute so that having children a family and your job does not become impossible.
The only thing I would add is that you should not leave having your children until you are too old because there is nothing sadder than the bright intelligent women who have bought the feminist lie that a career is every thing sitting together in the waiting room of a fertility clinic and hoping for a miracle.
Raising children is a great joy and a great leveller. I do not for one minute regret the time that I spend with my kids or think that I would better off chasing success up the corporate ladder. Of course I speak as a bloke who has done a role reversal with my wife.
Anyway I like your blog enough to add you to my blog roll If you feel like reciprocating that would be nice but you don’t have to if you don’t want to
Cheers
Iain
MarkyMark, Thanks for taking the time to put down your thoughts, and thanks for the feedback. The entry was more like a letter really, so I think I’ll pop over to your site and have a look around instead of writing a long letter back.
I’ll will certainly check out the films you mention though - I expect I can get them on bittorrent.
(Sorry about the delay in responding. Followinig up on your comment was more of a weekend than week-day thing.)
Cordelia,
I thought I’d drop a thought or two before signing off for the night.
What you want is nice! It’s also in accordance with nature, or rather God’s plan. How powerful an influence is a mother? Give me a chance, and I’ll explain…
One, there is the old cliche about the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. Cliches achieve their status precisely because they contain so much TRUTH.
Two, you no doubt have heard of the Methodist church; you also are probably familiar with “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”, along with other hymns that have been part of church services for centuries. Where did these come from? They came from John & Charles Wesley.
Now, I always get the two brother mixed up; I can never, ever, ever remember which one wrote the hymns, and which one started the Methodist church. However, the two brothers WERE key players in church history. One brother preached the Gospel, and, in the process, shook TWO CONTINENTS to their foundations! The other wrote music which has withstood the test of time. Finally, their impact is being felt even today, though it’s been hundreds of years since the Wesley brothers lived.
However, anyone who knows ANYTHING about church history will be quick to tell you this: it was the boys’ mother, Susannah Wesley, who played a key role in rearing both John & Charles Wesley, instilling in them their Godly faith and ways. Largely because of her efforts, the boys had in impact on the world; indeed, that is an understatement! I don’t know what anyone else calls it, but I call it P-O-W-E-R. Sure beats any power any corner office denizen has…
Unfortunately, women now chase the corner office, thinking that that is power. That is not power; what Susannah Wesley did-now, THAT was power! When you’re considered as being responsible for the impact two of her boys had, impact that is still being felt today, that is very real power…
I have to sign off. Have a good night…
MarkyMark
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